Knowledge versus innocence

I have two incredible sisters, amazing parents, best friends, partners and psychologists who have grown with me, cried with me, lied for me and i am certain would die for me; none however, know my heart the way one little person does- my brother.

now two and a half years old, he is able to look into my eyes and with one smile, remove all my frustration and dormant tears. No matter the ache- physical or emotional, he is my healer.
My little man, you know so much without understanding, your smile is therapeutic and your innocence uplifting. I only hope i can do for him what he does for me without realising, the gift i wish i could give him is an unlimited supply of innocence. A gift i could only prey for as it is as obtainable as the moon; unfortunately, i cannot protect him from the media, repeated warnings or the things he will experience.

When i was young, riding our bikes in the street was a norm, not a planned family outing; parks were a safe environment not a hunting ground for trafficking and pedophiles.
My parents would let me camp out in the garden and walk to the shop on my own through neighbouring properties as gates were always unlocked and fences used as decoration.
Friends were all one colour in our eyes and if we bled there was no isolation process and lectures on 'why we never touch our friends blood'. Kidnapping, molestation, rape, trafficking, HIV/AIDS and racism were present back then however they were not the topic of every PTA meeting or on every news channel.

Children in my opinion are born innocent, it is our society, safety precautions and paranoia which makes our youth overly aware. To inform the youth is definitely important, they need to understand the severity of today's issues, but where do parents, guardians and educators drew the line on how much children need to know?

Prolonged innocence for my brother is only a gift i could hope for, thus Little man, added to my prayers for you is when life proves to be too hard, you stay as magical as you are now and your smile is never lost!

getting it out and back

on the 2 February 2007 i made a choice to involve myself in a life i always thought i belonged in- but was too afraid and ashamed to allow entrance to. Three years, four months and three days later i have been stripped of my comfort zone, confidence, combined ambitions and sleep.
I am afraid i am not mourning- that when the pain hits i will fall so low darkness will be my only companion. presently, i nest the hurt- reminding myself that i deserve better. i just wish i knew what i deserved. The hurt returns when i think of the part that she made me feel the butterflies, when i would fall asleep covered with kisses and be allowed to release tears so heavy they flooded our space and she held on, and never let go. Finally the space got too small and our tempers too large. Her words became rancid and my self control slowly left my body.
to walk away was the only solution. i am now physically free, my eyes can wonder, my hands may wonder and my lips explore. My heart however, for the first time in a long time is mine. In my opinion, when two women fall in love, they don't realise how much of an investment they make- unknowingly they sacrifice themselves. no matter the the period of time, a day a year or a century- their hearts are spent. a note to self- spend slowly and carefully. once you give your heart away, you never really get it back as you remembered it.