In my heart appeared an opening, a shallow dig left empty- an oasis where my troubles once lay. Time did not wedge off the decay that was once there, nor was it a new interest. What made the clearing was the burning of my anger- the flames licking the place where you lay.
This space now unoccupied, I have cleansed myself and announced you gone. Not an easy task, however necessary, as you poisoned my visions and held me captive with your lies. The sleepless nights I have counted and the scars have been displayed- I will wear your shame. All that I rid myself of is the ache you supplied as your serrated words flew across the room and the memory of my weakness as I made excuses for you. That night I cried knowing that it was over, I cried because I worried where you would go and who would care for you- later I cried for my own stupidity.
I had to explain myself- explain why I had morphed into a monster and why violence became my only outlet. Following my explanations I needed to apologise and grovel for forgiveness, beg people I had put in my shadows to take me back, the hardest apology to make was to my values.
When we are young we distinguish right from wrong- and set in stone our values and beliefs follow us thought our lives, as mine followed me through this nightmare I ran ahead so that I did not have to listen to the reasoning, I always thought I knew better. Without my values we grew, only half of me along for the ride.
Four months on and I have nothing apart from my mounding self. All the material objects in the world will never amount to what I have now; Freedom, opinions, dreams and faith.
I will not blame you entirely, even with your ropes surrounding me; I was the leader of my body and decisions, the enforcer of my rage and your enabler. I acknowledge this, and as I own my faults- you leave my mind, you leave my heart and my soul. You are now merely a story I will tell from a chapter I have read.
The empty place is mine.
