no me or i

I seem to find myself engaging in idle conversation, joking and getting out of bed. My mind races- at these moments i can do anything, i can go and work days on end with no break, dance until my feet bleed and fall in love.Moments later if not seconds it is as though i have digested a stone and it hits the bottom of my stomach with a 'thud', suddenly I have raided myself and come out dirty. Nothing seems possible, all curtains have been closed to the world and peoples faces seep into the background, my body feels as though it does not exist yet the pain is present.

Yesterday i cried until it hurt, until my body felt as though it had gone cold.
I tried to isolate each feeling as it swept through my mind, not an easy catch- each thought darker and quicker than the first.
I kept crying out words i now do not remember- i never remember. I never forget.

For a brief second i stopped scolding myself and felt pity, pure sorrow for the ache that pulled at each muscle and made bumps appear on my skin. Hurt punched at my gut when i realised the position in which i lay, holding onto myself. An Oscar Award Winning performance, except mine was real, and it had no motive, no trigger- no reason to invade my space. I hurt for no reason.

Decisions have been made during my 'recovery' as it has been clinically put, i prey they are the right ones.
In my heart i know i need the break, however i worry about the burden i bestow when i decide things for me.
Growing tired of the word 'i' and 'me'- i wish to be placed in a bath and covered with years of soft whispers.
No noise.
No damage.
No me.
No i.